Ll^y^f): -PREFERMENT, 



OR 



AMBITION'S LADDER^ 

A SATIRE. 
BY L. A. WILMER, 

Jiuthorof ^^The Quacks of Helicon,** 



|8old by Macclefield & Co. No 21 . Minor St. Philari'n, 
Price 10 Cekts. 



PKEFERMENT 



OB 



AMBITION'S LADDER. 

AN INSTRUCTIVE POEM 



FOR 



POLITICAL PUPILS. 



WITH SHINING EXAMPLES FROM REAL LIPl 



\ 



BY L. A. WILMER; 

Author of « The Quacivs of Helicon:^ 



PHILADELPHIA, 
J. W. MACCLEFIELD & COn 

No. 21 Minor Street. 



1848. 







Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 
1848, by Lambert A. Wilmer, in the Clerk's Of- 
fice of the District Court, for the Eastern District 
of Pennsylvania. 




REMARKS 

Explanatory, Apologetic and Cautionary. 

The design of this poem is to offer some discour- 
agement to office-seeking and demagogueism, two of 
*!ie greatest mischiefs that afliict this country. 

The reader will see at a glance that no party 
purpose is intended to be answered. The author 
has no reliance on the efficacy of any political 
creed to produce a change of heart. It requires no 
discernment to perceive — and but little candor to 
-confess — that there are honest and sensible men, as 
well as rogues and blockheads, in all parties. Fac- 
tions are not like wines in this: they grow worse 
with age. The putrifactive fermentation constantly 
goes on, until corruption becomes complete. We 
make no attempt, therefore, to represent any old 
party as pure in principles and faultless in practice. 

Since this Satire was written and finished, at least 
one person named in it has departed this life. The 
author ne\er intended to assail the deceased; it was 
not convenient, however, to leave out one name and 
substitute another, nor was that deemed necessary, 
as it is believed that no injustice has been done by us 
•either to tho living or the dead. 

One word to the ladies; — they are warned in time 
fiot to examine these pages, which were really not 
intended for their perusal. Our little book, though 
it contains nothing positively wicked, no dainty and 
decently expressed libertinism or blasphemy, may 
be justly charged with some occasional indelicacy 
of phraseology; — but as the subject is not an at- 
tractive one to females, and as no such seasoning 
as the rakish piquancies of Bulwer or Eugene Sue 
^•can be promised, it is thought that the caution just 
given will have the desired effect. 



PREFERMET^T. 



ASPIRING souls, who anxiously devise, 
(And not too squeamishly,) the means to rise,— 
Give ear:— A new academy I found 
Where hearts and heads as hollow and unsound 
As Clay's own bosom or M'Connel s pate, ^ 

Mav learn the grand arcanum— to be great. 
I teach what deeds and sufferance are required, 
What pains unpitied and what toils untired, 
Before the statesman's paradise is won, 
The prize attain'd and all his labors done.- iW 

When, like Alcides, all with muck besmear d, 
Steep'd in unsavory unction to the beard. 
From filthier jobs than stable-work by odds, 
He comes to sit unquestionM with the gods. 



15 



Fast by the flues the master sweeps attend 
\nd teach their dusky urchins to ascend, 
Point the dim passage to the clamb ring elves 
But seldom mount, or wish to mount, themselves. 
Thus, my disciples, I direct your way 
Throu-h paths of gloom, impervious to the da>, 
A tortuous route, where every sooty trace ^i 

And dusty sprinkling that obscures your face, 
Is but a shadowy harbinger, that brings 
A sun-gilt futu/e, bright with heavenly things: 
Thus ashes, which your saintly noddles wear, 2o 
Foretell the crown of glory to be there. 
And wonder not if I contented show 
Your upward journey, yet remain below;— 
Alas! afflicted with a stublwrn spine, 
I feel an humbler destiny is mine: ^^ 

For, like those meek evangelists who teach 
A pathwav to that heaven they may not reach, ^^ 
Whose souls abhor th' intemperate zeal that eain. 
Supernal splendors by terrestrial spurns;— 
My crrovelling wishes to the dust are bound, '3^ 

With no ambition to be kick'd or crown d. 



b PREFERMENT^ 

Am I the first to teach or you to learn, 
How men may honors and distinction earn? 
What schemes and tricks for eminence are tried, 
How abject meanness ministers to pride; 4(^ 

How souls debas'd in morals and in mind, 
To wrongs, contempt and infamy resign'd, 
Mount, like the foetid gas from marshy spots, 
And shine from an original that rots. 
It irks and frets my spirit, I protest, 45 

That all my skill preceptively express'd. 
Others, more daring, have in practice shown 
And won a laurel worthier than my own. 
Can I, in cramp'd Iambic rhymes, repeat 
Such pure and perfect lessons of deceit 50 

As in thy deeds are read, without a book. 
Oh exemplary sage of Kinderhook ! 
Ah me, how weak, contemptible, in fact, [act! 

Are they who write and talk,compar'd with them who 

First, if the statesman's wreath you hope to wear, 
By constant practice for the course prepare; 56 

As racers always train before they run. 
So be your task in privacy begun; 
And, as coquettes before their mirrors plan 
The captivation of imperial man, 60 

Arrange each feature, every motion try. 
And teach each gesture, every look to lie: 
Thus, in elaborate study, gain that art [heart. 

Which wins, with hollow smiles, each unsuspecting 

A mock sincerity, by craft supplied, 65 

Is the best veil your purposes to hide. 
Oh how absurd is cunning uncoiiceaVd! 
It guards the bosom like a paste-board shield; 
A vile burlesque, an impotent pretence, 
Provoking war and offering no defence. 7(V 

But, better skilPd in these great mysteries, thou 
With seeming candor ornament thy brow; 
And as the cobra wears a beauteous skin. 
Be fair without, if venemons within. 
As rotten poplar, (such the tricks of trade,) 75 

Is oft with fine mahogany o'erlaid. 
And few beneath the shining surface look: 
Thus seeming is for substance still mistook; 



PREFERMENT. 7 

Learn you the knavish cabinet-maker's art, 
Veneer your face with smiles and hide a rotten heart. 

As pigs, unfitted for the joys of love, 81 

Increase in fatness and in flesh improve; 
Thus, would you thrive, bid every impulse fly, 
And nature's claims ungraciously deny; 
All artificial, like lago, be; 85 

A thing of passionless rascality. 
I pray you earnestly your mouth to guard, 
That all your speech be uttered by the card; 
For words are traitors; hold them still in doubt, 
Or dread their agency if they slip out. 90 

But of all skill in politics profess'd. 
Equivocation is the first and best; 
Language that two constructions will admit, 
May, if required, a double purpose fit; 
And thus a sure and safe retreat is found, 95 

Should it expedient be to shift your ground. 
This Noah, (cunning Hebrew !) can confirm, 
Who never used an unambiguous term. 
But few like him with natural gifts are bless'd, 
And you, of humbler faculties possess'd, 100 

Must try the Samian plan, make silence do; 
'Tis always safe and oft expedient too: 
When Clay is ask'd his principles to tell, 
Not all his eloquence could speak so well. 
Be uncommitted; 'tis the statesman's pride 105 

To keep himself by promises untied; 
For every pledge that from your lips may steal, 
Shall prove at last a fetter on your heel. 
In this the sum of statemanship is found. 
To talk around a subject and around; 110 

As one would eat an apple, skipping o'er 
Its most essential principle, the core. 
Coquette with all; each suitor keep at bay 
"With sweet, reluctant, amorous delay.'' 
Teach him, in practice, 'tis the sum and scope 115 
Of all terrestrial happiness — to hope* 

As various paths lead upward, 'tis your plan 
To keep as many open as you can; 
A choice of routes be careful to provide. 
That one being found too rough, another may be tried- 



8 PREFERMENT* 

And by experienced stagers 'tis confess'd 121 

That dirtiest routes are commonly the best. 

As when your foot you casually besmear, 

You bless your stars and know good luck is near : 

Thus oft, in life, mis-steps that make you smell, 

Immense success and happiness foretell. 126 

And know'st thou not that tender flowrets nursM 

Where Cloacina^s favors are dispers'd. 

With rapid growth and rich florescence shoot, 

The fairest blossoms from the foulest root? 130 

Instructed thus, my pupils, dread no hurt 

From frequent contact with enlivening dirt; 

So shall your fortunes, palm-like, rise and spread, 

And clusrering honors hang about your head. 

By ancient rules of chivalry, the squire 135 

Perform'd what tasks his knightship might require, 
Was groom or lackey, prompt at every call, 
To comb the steed, brush boots or cleanse a stall; 
And through this hard apprenticeship, he came 
To be himself a candidate for fame; 160 

Assum'd the golden spurs and then, in turn, 
Taught all the hardships he was forc'd to learn: 
Even thus, in politics, awhile you brave 
The toils and degradations of a slave. 
In the fond hope that an approaching hour 165 

May place some helpless victim in your power, 
That all your pent-up vengeance may be shed, 
Like streams of molten lava, on his head. 
Select a patron, an experienced knight. 
To whom your vows of constancy you plight; 170 
Some leader qualified to take the front 
Where rogues contend, and bear the battle's brunt, 
His breech made callous by repeated kicks. 
His conscience petrified by pettifogging tricks; 
Some small attorney, left without a case, 175 

Or from the Courts ejected in disgrace; 
(For strange to say, eccentric knaves there are 
Who find no kind connivance at the bar; 
But 'tis their knavery's fashion^ not extent, 
The conscientious brotherhood resent; 180 

All forms of roguery they hate and shun, 
Unless by rule and precedent 'tis done:) 
Of such materials demagogues are made, 



PREFERMENT. 9 

The rags and refuse of the quibbling trade, 

For 'tis a truth through nature's walks express'd, 

That worthless creatures ever climb the best; 186 

And human vermin, the confirm'd disgrace. 

The cats and rats and monkeys, of their race, 

With facile movements reach the topmost round, 

While stiff-back'd merit in the dust is found. 190 

In your approaches to the scoundrel great, 
Who stand as porters at Preferment's gate. 
Prepare your spirits for the rude rebuff, 
For low-bred mtilice and contempt enough: 
For they who great indignities have borne, 195 

By long endurance school'd in hate and scorn. 
Are ever apt and anxious to bestow 
The wormwood potion on some wretch below. 
As naturall}'- as(^.tadpoles turn to frogs, 
Or fawning puppies to ferocious dogs, 200 

Your wriggling, whining sycophants, in place, 
Become the surliest monsters of their race. 
Then, like the tub-philosopher of old, 
By kicks and cudjels not to be controll'd. 
To your Antisthenes, (your patron,) spite 205 

Of iDangs and footings, cleave with all your might. 
And dread thou not, (the first repulsion past,) 
He'll find thy sterling qualities at last; 
Rascals with ease their brother rascals tell. 
As dogs their comrades recognize by smell. 210 

When thou such rising genius hast discern'd. 
Cling to his skirts till all his art be learn'd; 
And all capricious insolence sustained, 
Believe thy education cheaply gained. 
Let no fastidious delicacy mar 215 

The happier influence of the mounting star. 
Take every cuff as kindness; never lurk 
If he invoke thee to the dirtiest work. 
Study his faiUng: drinking if it be. 
Take care to get, or seem, as drunk as he. 220 
Or is incontinence his ruling sin. 
Then stand prepared to draw his favorites in; 
Canvass the brothels, with a taste discreet, 
And cull the daintiest tit-bits for his treat; 
And should he meet with love's posterior curse, 225 



10 PREFERMENT. 

Seek you the same and strive to have it worse. 

'Tis thus congenial feelings are begun, 

The only friendship rogues can count upon. 

To soothing flattery modulate your tongue, 

And tho' no greater scoundrel lives unhung, 230 

Extol his virtues; but as white-wash falls, 

When spread too thickly, from your smoke-brown'd 

walls, 
So praise, on dusky characters when tried, 
Must, in thin coats, be cautiously applied; 285 

Or, scaling off, it leaves the eurfacw bare, 
And blacker than before, in spite of all your care. 

Many the ways, nor shall you find them hard, 
To win your master's kindliest regard: 
His children kiss, though from each snubby nose 
A double stream of yellow mucous flows; 291 

Permit your lips the 'kerchief's part to play, 
And wipe the slimy excrement away. 
Or if your patron, in a lounging fit, 
A backward blast should heedlessly emit, 295 

Beware, lest any tokens of distaste 
Should all your proud expectancy lay waste; 
Put not a finger to the nose, nor seem 
To be offended at the pungent steam. 
But snuff*, as if some exquisite perfume 300 

Of rose or musk were floating through the room. 
Deem all acceptable that comes from him, 
And mould your fancy to his windiest whim. 
Think it no slight, if to the kitchen sent. 
You wait the great man's leisure, — be content; 
With hearty fellowship the scullions greet, 306 

And in the chimney corner take your seat; 
Now scrape a carrot with officious zeal. 
And make the cook your melting glances feel. 
Thus Kendall rose: — by kettle-scrubbing sports. 
And interest gain'd in culinary courts. 311 

Thrice happy he, to move in such a sphere, 
And no lost caste or detriment to fear ! 
His reputation too securely placed 
To be disturbed, — amended or disgraced. 315 

Your patron mounting in preferment's scale, 
Keep but your nose adhesive to his tail. 



PREFERMENT. 1 1 

And you must follow. But remember this, 

While you his culminating buttocks kiss, 

Be well prepared to kick them, should you find 

His fortunes waning: thus your post behind 271 

Is doubly bless'd. Nor does it more concern 

Your future welfare, to salute his stern, 

While its possessor prospers, than to toe 

The self-same mark, should fortune prove his foe. 

And now, my pupils, steep your fancies well 276 
In all the direst fumes and fogs of hell ; 
Approach with awe; — sublimer mysteries see! 
liO, I induct you to your last degree ! 
Yes, brave novitiates, let us now unfold 280 

How the capricious People are controll'd. 
liCarn, first, how public favor may be gained, 
And how, (ah there's the i*ub!) that favor is retained* 
Say then, — is Popularity your aim? 
First be notorious: — that begins the game. 285 

Here different plans will serve; to steal a sheep 
May do; but merely from the tread -mill keep. 
(An awkward ladder that for "Young Ambition,'' 
Where all your climbing mends not your condition.) 
But simple larceny will scarce suffice; 290 

The world expects some magnitude of vice, 
Some grand atchievement, worthy to be set 
In the first column of the chief Gazette. 
There is, in truth, gentility in crime; 
Some sins are sentimental, some sublime, 295 

Some witty and some vulgar; 'tis the last 
That for examples in our courts are cast. 
Your scrubby rogue vicariously atones 
For faults committed by distinguished ones. 
If public funds should get within thy clutch, 300 
First help thyself, nor fear to take too much: 
With money, as with arsenic, well thou know'st, 
There is no danger if we're largely dosed: 
The bane, scarce touch'd, destroys the timid rat, 
The bold one takes it freely and gets fat. 305 

A Defalcation, if your plan 's well laid, 
And all your cards judiciously are play'd, 
Is the best scheme a novice can devise 
In public favor and esteem to rise. 310 



12 PREFERMENT. 

First, as we said, it spreads abroad your name, 

Berascall'd? — well; all statesmen are the same. 

The journals scout you: this is still the fate 315 

Of all who nobly venture to be great. 

Let the first storm of execration pass; 

Opinions change: the mob, the generous mass — 

Will do you justice? No, but better still, 

Will fail to do it, and your hopes fulfill. 320 

Then fill thy purse and let the world cry "shame!" 

The spoils themselves shall purify thy fame: 

So cunning thieves some pilfer'd gold apply 

A priestly pardon for the theft to buy. 

All-potent cash ! that requisite possessed, 325 

Thou hast at once, or soon may'st have, the rest. 

Friends, influence, honors, (marketable stuff!) 

Be sure thy plunder shall secure enough. 

And can'st thou tell what station is too high 

For selfish, soulless opulence to buy? 330 

The Press, (grand engine !) is by cash controll'd; 

"Golden opinions" may be bought for gold. 

And now, a wide celebrity obtained, 
The public ear, (a lengthy one,) being gained, 
With no unseemly bashfulness abide, 335 

But range thyself on faction's strongest side: 
Then be the noisiest brawler of the gang. 
Prompt at a fray or market-house harrangue. 
As dogs with poisoned sausages we cheat, 
And strew the savory mischief through the street, 
That each confiding brute, too apt to trust 341 

In man's sincerity, may bite the dust: 
Thus, with envenomed doctrines scattered wide, 
You win the Mob, too ready to confide, 
Too apt to gulp, with appetite canine, [sign. 

Each seeming good that hides the deep and dark de- 

The Mob ! — What shivering seizes on thy frame? 
What i^ortal terror couches with that name 1 
Behold I give thee Ariadne's clue ! 
Explore the maze, the Minotaur subdue: 
And know that beast, for cruelty renown'd, 350 

In flimsiest cob-web fetters may be bound. 
Are raging flames by human skill subdued? 
Is Ocean travers'd in his fiercest moodi 



PliEFERMENT. 13 

A're tigers harness'd, lightnings caught and cool'd 
Tn glassy jars? and may not mobs be ruled? 356 
But rightly judge what constitutes a mob, 
Lest of their dues the '^better class" you rob: 
In mere externals all distinctions lie 
Between the low-bred vulgar and the high; 360 

At the first glance, the former may offend, 
The last is most disgustful in the end: 
For when the filth remotely may be seen, 
You save your fingers from a touch unclean; 
But if a seeming purity invite, 365 

Your hands, by contact, come to evil plight. 
Have you the pauper and patrician flay'd, 
And note what nice distinctions may be made: 
Complexions vary, but, beneath the skin, 
All human flesh is wonderously akin. 370 

Refinement is, like varnishes, applied. 
The flaws of heart and character to hide; 
It shines upon the surface, to conceal 
What finished scoundrels meditate and feel. 
As hardest bodies take the polish best, 375 

So hardened rogues are frequently possessed 
Of smooth exteriors, and politely cheat, 
While few suspect a courtesy so sweet. 
In spite of all the sculptor's skill and pains, 
The image still a marble heart retains: 380 

Though in each chiselPd lineament may shine 
Seraphic grace, intelligence divine. 
External is the charm, and that alone. 
And all besides is cold and senseless stone: 
Though in the world's sublimest models cast, 385 
Man is but man, and half a brute, at last; 
And though imbued with all a Stanhope's lore, 
As much a beast and blackguard as before; 
From forms restrictive happy to escape 
And sport with freedom in his natural shape; 390 
As monkeys, when the exhibition 's done, 
Are glad, unbreech'd, upon all fours to run. 
Can'st thou a band of ragged knaves collect 
More free from honest shame and self-respect, 
More prompt at insolence, abuse and brawl, 395 

Than they, the rowdy gangs of Congress Hall? 
And why ? Because, in self-sufficient pride. 
They cast the cloak which hid their faults aside; 
2 



14 PREFERMENT. 

Being drunk with honors, shame's rebuke they hush. 
And show their naked souls without a blush: 400^ 
As drunkards of less note, despised and mean, 
Through tattered breeches show their corporal parts 

obscene. 
Ye carperSj prompt at vulgar sins to catch, 
Show me the mob that Congress cannot match. 405 
"Cobblers and tinkers" are with vyrath inflamed, 
To see the councils of the land so shamed, 
To see the wisdom of debate so shrunk, 
in Allen raving and M'^Connell drunk ! 409* 

Ambition^s votaries, be consoled and know, 
While, for your weal, ye plan the people's woe. 
No human skill your purpose can defeat, 
Though every gro?e were Education's seat, 
While, spite of all the purblind patriot's pains. 
The putrifactive principle remains. 415^ 

On Delta's shore Minerva^'s temple stood, 
A radiant structure rising from the mud; 
But not the presence of the goddess there 
Could disinfect the foul contiguous air: 
And think'st thou Scies^ce e^er can correct 420 

A nation's moral taints, while vice remains uncheck'd? 
Let crack'd enthusiasts hope, and knaves pretend, 
All that 's amiss with Spelling- Books to mend: 
If legislators must like pedants look, 
They'll find the birch as needful as the book. 425^ 
Virtue by wholesome castigation comes, 
Hence school-boys groan with lacerated bums; 
At either end improvement we bestow, 
K^nowledge above. Morality below ; 
To signify how vain is learning's glare, 430^ 

With no foundation of good morals there. 
To domes scholastic yield all honor due. 
But let the Gallows claim its tribute too; 
On Pedagogues your panegyrics stretch, 
But spare one sprig of laurel for Jack Ketch. 435^ 

If men's mistakes from ignorance arise, 
Knowledge alone can never make them wise; 
Else would this age, so boastful of its light. 
Eschew the wrong and recognize the right ; 
Else would the worthies of the past, unbless'd 440' 



PREFEEMENT. 15 

With half the science by their sons possessed, 
Not from the skies, with an indignant frown, 
On us, their worthless progeny, look down. 

Once, in my dreams, I saw the patriot sage, 
The boast and glory of a better age ; 445 

That mighty mind, which honors ne'er disgraced, 
Which wealth impoverish'd not nor power debas'd; 
Favored by Heaven to live at such a time. 
When intellect was prized and virtue was no crime: 
Worthy — (Oh praise most lamentably rare !) 450 
That more than throne, the Presidential Chair; — 
Even while that chair its glories all retain'd. 
By Washington adorn'd, and not by Polk profan'd. 
In the dim hour of silence and repose. 
Before my eyes the great Virginian rose; 455 

In more than regal majesty he stood, — 
(For what are monarchs to the wise and good? 
And what are all the high-born of the earth. 
Compared with souls of a celestial birth 1) 
Fierce rage, by manly fortitude repress'd, 460 

Flash'd from his eye and struggled in his breast; 
The freeman's honest rage. A glance he cast 
That might a score of sceptred pigmies blast: 
In such a glance the awed Convention read, 
When first the hall resounded with his tread, 465 
His stern resolves, before his hand unfurl'd 
That scroll ordain'd to liberate a world- 
To me, that trembled with ignoble dread, 
The Second Glory of Columbia said : 
"Go; to thy countrymen this message bear : 470 

Tell them — " But hold ! should I the words declare, 
Oh great Defunct, the penalties might be 
Curses for you and martyrdom for me. 
Shall I make primers of sepulchral stones, 
And beat the living with the dead man's bones ; 475 
Teach self-conceit its errors to detect. 
And cherishM follies thanklessly correet? 
Amid this moral darkness, I discern 
One ray, — -it falls on the funereal urn ; 
It shines across the dense and hopeless gloom 480 
And lights the dim inscriptions of the tomb. 
But let the crumbhng records of the just 
Fail, like their earthly elements, to dust ; 



16 PREFERMENT- 

Let no reproachful monument be read, 

Nor shame the living to exalt the dead. 485- 

I thank thee, God, for giving to this hand 
No vengeful sword, no ensign of command, 
No regal sceptre, — but that lash severe, 
That scorpion lash, which mightiest scoundrels fear. 
(None are too high, though some may be too low, 
To feel the sting and deprecate the blow:) 491 

Yet am I not so harsh, so void of ruth. 
To give full utterance to offensive truth ; 
To bid this people blushingly compare 
Themselves — (Oh fie!) — with what their fathers were: 
No; rather let me with the stream descend 496 

And to the prosperous gales my yielding canvass bend. 
Let me adopt the fashions of the times. 
Affect their follies and confess their crimes. 
For daring to be wise beyond the age, 500 

See Webster, butt of every blockhead's rage ; 
Praised with reluctance and with rapture blam'd. 
By Democrats denounced, by Whigs disclaim'd, 
Suspected, sneered at, laid upon the shelf. 
Though false and faithless only to himself. 505 

By his example, let us be advised 
How Wisdom and Fidelity are prized. 
But, Webster, take this comfort and be strong: 
Better to suffer, than commit, a wrong; 
Better to have our merits all denied, 510 

Than strive another's excellence to hide: 
Then how much better, happier, is thy lot 
Than theirs who hate but comprehend thee not! 
If to thy worth the world insensate be, 
Its dull neglect is no disgrace to thee. 515 

Mortals there are too stupid to confess 
The charms of nature in her grandest dress ; 
Who, at Niagara, with rapture burn, 
To think what mills the cataract might turn! 
And can we hope that such as these could find 520 
The matchless grandeur of a god-like mind? 
(Expect our huckstering demagogues as soon 
To note the manly virtues of Calhoun.) 
When villains snarl, one certain truth is shown, — 
The nature snarl'd at is unlike their own: 525» 

Even I, by rabid calumny misled, 



PREFERMENT* 17 

Once held our Yankee Socrates in dread ; [packs, 

But Faction's hounds, Van Buren's wide-mouth'd 
Prov'd his integrity by their attacks ; 
And had his wisdom stood in need of proof, 530 

The wrath of Ingersoll had been enough. 

But what of Webster? mark the man and see 
What an ambitious statesman must not be. 
Wisdom is favor'd only by the wise, 
And hence on no majority relies: 535 

Then brave aspirants — (let me not forget 
My pledge to you ; an honorable debt.) — 
Rejoice, since not good qualities possess'd, 
But those you lack, will serve your purpose best, 
Distrust your gifts and note with joyful pride 
The good by heaven's beneficence denied^ 541 

What pains, what labor, (more than thou can'st tell,) 
It costs the best of mortals to do well! 
Rascality no cultivation needs. 
But springs spontaneous, like pernicious weeds; 
But honesty and truth are plants most rare, 546 

Requiring culture and assiduous care. 
Then scan thy own facilities, be brave. 
And bless the chance that made thee fool or knave ; 
Let moral sickness be thy rosiest' health 550 

And intellectual indigence thy wealth. 

As polished kettles are, by cooks discreet, 
Pronounced the least susceptible of heat, 
Less useful and available, in fact, 
Than those utensils all begrimed and black'd ; 
So, in affairs of Statesmanship, we find 556 

The purest morals and the brightest mind 
Much less convenient implements will make 
Than such as seem more smutty and opaque. 
But 'tis a problem yet if rogue or fool, 
A self-will'd trickster or a willing tool, 560 

Best serves the turn : 'tis difficult to say 
Which proves the better pest, a Polk or Clay. 
Oh sad effect of national disease 
That left us no alternatives but these ! 565 

Men try innoculation, to escape 
The foul distemper in an uglier shape; 
And thus our country chose the lesser curse, 
Being pox'd by Polk lest Clay should pox her worse. 
2* 



18 PREFERMENT. 

But has this desperate course improved the case, 

Or left us more in danojer and disorace? 571 

By placing mediocrity so high, 

What creeping vermin have been taught to fly ! 

Lo! a recorded precedent remains, 

To show that men may govern without brains ! 

Here Cass himself encouragement espies, 576 

And bold Buchanan clutches at the prize. 

And see poor Allen, with a dubious glance, 

'Twixt eagerness and idiocy, advance. 

And twenty drivellers more on tip-toe wait, 580 

To rush tumultuous for the Ghair of State. 

Yes, all expect to come victorious in. 

Where Polk has won and Dallas hopes to win. 

Let nations fear or hate us, but exempt, 
I pray you gods, my country from contempt, 585 
Oh if our land has come to such a pass 
That nothing but a sharper or an ass 
Can hope to rule it, as we once have err'd 
And slavering imbecility preferr'd, — 
Come, let a new experiment be tried, 590 

And bid some shrewd, sage profligate preside : 
For vicious Intellect may save a realm. 
But wreck is sure with Folly at the helm. 
Villains by statutes may be held in awe, 
But fools are not amenable to law; 595 

The first with cautious policy proceed. 
The last dash onward with a reckless speed. 
A roguish statesman plays a single hand, 
The fool is agent for a rascal band, 
Perhaps unconscious of the part he plays ; 600 

Betray'd himself, his country he betrays. 
Knavery in sly secretiveness excels. 
But Folly loves the jingling of her bells. 
Scoundrels with seeming fairness cheat men's eyes, 
But idiots have no art to pass for wise. 605. 

Hence, rogues in office, by surveillance check'd, 
And fearful of a fall, may win respect ; 
May govern well: (but hazardous the chance. 
Though truth is sometimes stranger than romance.) 
But no contingency e'er brought that hour 61ft 

Which saw the fool respectable in power. 
Was ever nation in such guidance placed, 



PREFERMENT. 1ft 

And not distress'd, endangered or disgraced? • 

Erratic musej too heedless of thy way, 
Must 1 impound thee, like a colt astray? 615 

Thou can'st not hope, in these illiberal days, 
O'er meads of sweet morality to graze. 
Come, take the dry and dusty route again, 
Resume the traces and obey the rein. 
Not for the public or its good I preach, 620 

But treasonable arts to bold adventurers teach. 

Oh Public Favor ! was there ever shrine 
So throng'd with zealous devotees as thine? 
Who shall approach thy altars ? who shall gain 
That entrance thousands scramble for in vain? 
Two gates to thy bright temple I behold, 626 

Of ivory one and one of shining gold; 
The first, calPd Vanity, though rich and rare, 
Is insubstantial too and frail as fair; 
And hence by ancient fabulists 'twas said 
Through such a door delusive visions fled. 630 

Here stand the Flatterers, ready to rush in. 
And catch the people with a treacherous din ; 
As bees with brazen music are beguiPd, — 
First stunn'd and stupified and then despoil'd. 
The other gate, which Avarice we call, 635 

Stands open and available to all, — 
All who are furnish'd with the glittering sign, 
Like that the Trojan gave to Proserpine, 
And bought, as daring moderns do as well, 
A right of entrance to the depths of hell ; 640 

For, (let it not your heaven of hope o'ercast,) 
Your highest aims may come to that at last. 
Not wealth alone this golden gate avails, 
But oft the scum of hospitals and jails, 
Lazars and paupers, by financial arts, 645 

Have found this passage to the people's hearts. 
For since that truth the oracle display'd : — 
"A penny saved is just as good as made,'' 
Beggars themselves, with nought to give or lend, 
May teach Economy and gain iheir end. 650 

(For who the worth of money can display 
Like those who want it sadly day by day?) 
Hence many a fiscal scheme the patriot tries, 



20 PREFERMENT. 

Wasting whole millions to economise ; 

Hence Congressmen protract the dear debate, 655 

Some soldier's paltry pension to vacate ; 

Or from his orphan brats and widowed wife 

To wrest the pittance that sustains their life. 

Scared at expense, the country they expose 

And leave us to the mercy of our foes; 660 

And lest our purses should be cut, their votes 

Allow the enemy to cut our throats. 

(What statesman, studious of retrenchment, yet 

Could his own dues and services forget, 

Or from his salary would a jot abate, 665 

To save the shoulders of the sinking state ?) 

The keeping of our cash, on plans so cheap, 

Costs more than all the cash we have to keep. 

What happier measure, pray, could be embraced 

To save our funds, than having none to wa^te? 670 

And since it is impossible to guess 

The true amount of credit we possess. 

Until by sure experiment 'tis tried. 

And needful loans are granted or denied. 

What thanks are due to rulers of that class 675 

Which brings us quickly to the borrowing pass! 

Placing that precious knowledge in our reach 

Which stern Necessity alone can teach. 

Some schemers try the captivating quirk 674 

Of teaching ways to wealth without hard work; 
Such was the course ingenious Benton took 
To catch the gudgeons with a golden hook ; 
But all in vain the patient angler sate. 
The barb was more conspicuous than the bait! 
Some on a pufF'd-up currency will pitch, 680 
To make the nation prosperous and rich ; 
So Chinese butchers treat a slaughtered cat, 
Inflate the carcase and pronounce it fat. 

Has public weal a more pernicious bane 
Than that damn'd fault, avidity for gain? 685 

Which holds in scorn religion, virtue, sense, 
And clothes base Mammon with omnipotence. 
Where shall corruption cease when every soul 
Is* eager for the mercenary dole? 
When every virtue, ay, and every vice, ^90 



PREFERMENT. 21 



Is quoted at a marketable price ; 
And reputation is esteem'd as trash 
Unless it be convertible to cash ! 



But is a ragged fortune thy estate? 
Despair not yet, but trust the "Ivory Gate." 695 
If poor in purse, be poor in spirit too, 
And mark what bankrupt sycophants may do. 
Of thriving statesmen, thousands have been led 
Less by ambition than the want of bread. 
Hunger is bold, and, in a desperate case, 700 

Will make hard pushes to secure a place; 
Yea, oft adventures on some shrewd emprise 
Which dull repletion never could devise. 
Know'st thou the region of inventive pates, 704 

In prose, distinguish'd as the "Eastern States'?" 
Whose niggard fields but scantily supply 
The coarse materials for the annual pie. 
What time the land is freed from all her taints. 
And prayers and pumpkins purge the costive saints.. 
'Tis there man's wit, by abstinence refin'd, — 710 
(For want, that wastes the body, mends the mind,) 
Grows keen and polish'd, like a tempered blade 
On the hard surface of a grind-stone laid. 
There shalt thou find that shrewd contrivance still 
Which makes the pedlar's or the statesman's skill. 
Hence comes that sharpness known the country o'er, 
And felt too oft in demonstrations sore, 
With clocks and banks that scarce may run a week, 
Tariff's and tin-ware wondrous apt to leak, 720 

And other bright expedients which, 'tis known, 
Make housewives grumble and the public groan. 
But let the East superior shrewdness claim. 
The supple South, when flattery is the game, 
Bids fair to win. Extravagant and rich, 725 

There Panegyric takes the highest pitch ; 
And this the burden of the syren song : 
"The sovereign people never can go wrong.'' 
Alas ! the people, in deceit unschool'd, 
"Infallible," though constantly befool'd, 73Q 

Can never err more widely than to trust 
The man who calls their judgment always just. 

Enough of formal strictures and advice ! 



32 PREFERMENT. 

Where genius is, short lessons will suffice. 

Come then, my novice, on these hints refine, 735 

And soon your character, though black, shall shine; 

Like boots improv'd by Day <fe Martin's best. 

Or stoves with lamp-black and plumbago dress'd. 

Come, crush all relics of ingenuous shame, 

And shed abroad the odors of thy name : 740 

The public loves stale reputations much. 

As stinking cheese is relish'd by the Dutch. 

Now, gallant youth, thy route is well expressed; 

Proceed ; let dog-fac'd roguery do the rest. 

Speed on — a chill Elysium shall be thine ; 745 

Ambition's peaks with sparkling beauty shine; 

No Alpine ridge can show a brighter crest, 

To lure the wand'rer to its icy breast. 

But think what disappointments must be met, 

Think what anxieties the path beset, 750 

What perils too, a formidable host; 

But dread the moment of fruition most. — 

Tremble, O man, for danger then is near. 

When thy perceptions find no cause for fear ! 754 

When every wish accomplished, leaves no scope 

For doubts perplexing or delusive hope ; 

When time or chance, futurity or fate 

Can promise nothing to improve thy state: 

Mortal ! confess to destiny thy dobt, 

And see in all prosperity a threat, — 760 

A fearful menace of approaching ill, 

Which every hour is panting to fulfill. 

When lavish fortune all her gifts supplies, 

Deem not thyself a favorite of the skies, 

And all the heights of earthly glory won, 765 

Think not thy race for happiness is done. 

Say, was success to Harrison denied ? 

The goal was reached, he touch'd the prize and died! 

The factions shout, triumphant is the din ! 

Death hears the sound with a sarcastic grin; 770 

Then draws his victim from th' adoring crowd, 

And swathes his new-born glories in a shroud. 

A triumph too, O Muhlenburgh, hadst thou! 

The wreath of victory flutters on thy brow; 

But, to unfit thee for the Statesman's part, 775 

The heavens, alas ! had curst thee with a heart ! 

Slander could wound thee with her deadliest shaft; 



PREFERMENT. 23 

The victor perishM and the vanquish'd laughM ! 

But happier these, to sudden doom consign'd, 

More bless'd a peaceful sepulchre to find, 780 

Than yon sad victim of a long delay, 

Kentucky's Tantalus, distressful Clay ! 

For thrice ten years, still fated to be teased 

With honors seeming near, but never to be seized. 

At last, beneath the blighting gale he bends, 785 

Scorn'd by his foes and pitied by his friends! 

Was ever statesman more than Jackson bless'd ? 

Was ever man more honor'd and caress'd? 

On him the people all their favors pour, 

And grieve, at last, that they can give no more : 

But boundless popularity and power 791 

Bring keener anguish to his sorrowing hour. 

A barren conquest his, and much it cost, — 

For all he lov'd was in the struggle lost! 

O harrowing thought, that by ambition led, 795 

He gave his heart's best treasure to the dead ! 

Expos'd his faithful partner's peace and life 

To all the perils of the stormy strife. 

She fell, (let blushing history confess,) 

A guiltless victim to the ribald press; 800 

Slain by the venom of detraction's tongue, 

And journalists by some mistake unhung. 

Glad to escape from palace and parade, 

He seeks a dreary but congenial shade ; 

A hermit now, far in the forest gloom, 805 

He weeps and prays, and b}^ a lonely tomb 

The people's idol, the illustrious chief 

Sits like a sculptured effigy of grief! 

And such the racers who have sped the best ! 
Let clouds and curtain'd darkness hide the rest. 810 
For who so desperate, so insanely bold. 
To take the track, if all the truth were told? 
W'ere it but shown what penalties and pains, 
What sure disasters and what doubtful gains 
On this Tartarean pilgrimage attend, 8] 5 

My labors all, (like Clay's,) in smoke would end. 
Is there a wretch in nature's scale so low. 
So steep'd in infamy and drench'd with woe. 
So cross'd and lost and hopelessly undone, 
That Botts himself his fellowship would shun ; 820 



24 FfeEFERMENt. 

Is there a beggar, convict, prisoner, slave, 

That looks with hope and rapture to the grave, 

Who, could he see what politicians bear, 

What shame, suspense, distraction and despair, 

Would not at once be reconciled to fate, 825 

And call his own hard lot a beatific state? 

Even I, from childhood to misfortune link'd, 

I, on whose birth no lucky planet blink'd. 

As poor as Job, or Noah when he plann'd 

A Hebrew crusade to^ the Holy Land, 830' 

(Where all the cash the Circumcised possess'd 

Would be in common, as he shrewdly jguess'd;) 

Even I, though doomed like Sawyer to subsist 

On scraps — and make a trencher of my fist,* 

Or less in greasy luck and more a beast 835' 

Than Sawyer's self — on roots and grass to feast : 

(Old Plutarch recommends such lenten prog, 

To clear the brain-pan from Boeotian fog; 

Hence my dull wits acquired sufficient light 

To scan this sneaking, scrambling game aright:) 

Without a sigh of envy or regret 841 

I see each paltry cur above me set, 

And "sour adversity," (to me most sour,) 

Ne'er brought that dreary and disastrous hour 

When, all the pomp and luxury in view 845 

That Kinderhook's equestrian beggar knew, — 

Who fed on pewter once, but grown too great. 

Must needs be feasted from a golden plate! 

Not I by such enticements could be moved 

To change this starving liberty so loved 850 

For all the thriving falsehood and deceit. 

The cunning and ability to cheat. 

The splendor and — (less prized than all the rest^) 

The PUBLIC FAVOR, Kinderhook possess'd* 



THE END. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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